Why I Chose Not To Sleep Train My Baby, Plus an Update at 18 and 22 Months

This blog post is based on a podcast episode that dives into my personal decision not to sleep train my daughter—and how that decision has played out. If you're a parent questioning the push to sleep train or wondering if there's another way, this is for you. I’m not here to shame anyone or offer one-size-fits-all advice. My choice was partly based on my understanding of child development and psychology as a doctor, but I'm not a pediatrician or sleep medicine physician. I'm just sharing one story you may not be hearing enough.

This post includes some links to products, some of which are affiliate links.

The Pressure to Sleep Train

Why Sleep Training Is Everywhere

From pediatricians to parenting podcasts, sleep training is often treated as a given. Parents are bombarded with messages that suggest it's necessary for a functioning household. The underlying implication? If you're not sleep training, you’re doing it wrong.

The Missing Voices

Very few voices in medicine or parenting media speak up for families who choose not to sleep train. It leaves many parents feeling isolated or doubtful—even when their instincts say otherwise.

My Background and Why I Chose Not to Sleep Train

I’m not a pediatrician or certified sleep consultant—I’m a psychiatrist in training and a mom who followed her gut. Despite pressure from professionals and popular opinion, I trusted my instincts and chose not to sleep train.

Surviving Medical Residency Without Sleep Training

Even during the intense demands of intern year, I found ways to get enough sleep. I’ve run my podcast, maintained my business, and had an hour or two to myself every day. Everyone has their own flavor of busy, but I don't want anyone to think that this necessitates sleep training.

Understanding What Sleep Training Actually Is

The Psychology Behind “Cry It Out”

Not all sleep training is "cry it out" but most methods are on a spectrum with the same core principle to varying degrees. Sleep training often uses the extinction model from psychology: if a baby cries (cause) and no one comes (no effect), eventually the baby stops crying. This is seen as a form of teaching “self-soothing.”

But What Are Babies Really Learning?

The theory is that babies develop ways to soothe themselves, but this assumes developmental readiness that may not be realistic. For some babies, especially those with sensitive temperaments, this process can be stressful and ineffective. We expect babies to rely on us from pretty much everything else but somehow make sleep the exception with which they're expected to figure things out for themselves.

The Emotional Toll on Parents and Babies

When it comes to sleep training, parents are often told to ignore their intuition. But we are biologically wired to respond to our babies’ cries. Ignoring this instinct can feel distressing—and for good reason.

Attachment, Trust, and Long-Term Development

Why Attachment Mattered in My Decision

As someone with an avoidant attachment style who works with patients in psychiatry, I knew I wanted my daughter to develop secure attachment. I fully understand the importance of the early months and years for building trust and emotional safety.

Avoidant Attachment and Self-Reliance

Sleep training can unintentionally teach children that they can’t rely on others. While it’s not the sole determinant of attachment style, I believe it plays a role, and this is intuitive for many parents.

What My Nights Actually Look Like

Realistic Expectations Without Sleep Training

My daughter slept in my husband and I's bedroom in a bassinet (that we converted to have higher railings once she could pull to stand) until she was just over a year old. We then moved her to her own bedroom next door to us in her crib, which she was used to taking her naps in. At 18 months, she usually wakes once or twice a night, and we keep our interaction brief—often just a quick breastfeed or potty visit. At 22 months, this is pretty much the same. She wakes up once or twice a night for 10-20 minutes at a time to breastfeed. What is new is that most days now she is waking up in the morning dry without the need to potty overnight.

A quick note on potty training: I realize that potty training (and especially nighttime potty training) is pretty advanced at this age. It's a separate topic, but I'll mention that I started elimination communication at 9 months and wrapped up EC with potty training at 18 months. Get the mini potty I used since 9 months here. She continued to use diapers at daycare until 22 months but has been out of diapers at home (including overnight) since 18 months. I used the brand Tiny Undies, which come in sizes as small as 6 months!

Predictable Routines and Independence

We use a consistent bedtime, a visual sleep clock (OK to Wake, get the one I use here), and have a positive bedtime routine. My daughter often falls asleep on her own or plays quietly for a few minutes until she’s ready to sleep.

Have there been rough nights? Absolutely. But when I trace it back, the reason why I'm not getting enough sleep is because I'm staying up too late or when there are interruptions to my daughter's usual schedule. The key takeaway: it’s doable—even for a full-time working mom. Continue to follow the common saying to "sleep when baby sleeps". You know your child is going to need at least 12 hours of sleep at night, even if it's interrupted, so you can, too. If you have trouble falling asleep or falling back asleep, that's a problem with YOU, not your baby. Look into if you have a medical condition or problem with sleep hygiene that could be contributing to that instead of thinking that this means you have no choice but to sleep train.

Common Concerns and Misunderstandings

Isn’t This Only Possible With One Child?

Maybe. I have one child, and I understand the dynamics change. But the point isn’t that everyone must do what I did—it’s that not sleep training can work, and we deserve to hear those stories, too.

What About Breastfeeding and Sleep?

I planned to breastfeed for at least two years, but this isn't every family's priority. If you do continue breastfeeding, remember that waking to nurse is developmentally normal. If you are potty training, waking to use the potty is also developmentally normal.

Teaching Sleep Skills Without Sleep Training

Support Healthy Sleep

Even without sleep training, there are ways to support your baby’s sleep:

• Have a consistent bedtime

• Use a visual sleep cue like a color-changing clock

• Let your child fall asleep on their own when possible. Put your child down while awake. You can return when they need you.

• Avoid sleep crutches like rocking, bouncing, holding, or anything else that prevents you from letting them fall asleep on their own. A possible exception to this is nursing to sleep. I was doing much more nursing to sleep in the infant stage but less so in the toddler stage, though I still nurse back to sleep.

• Give a short, loving goodbye with the option to return if needed

Bedtime Routine

• Crib setup: My daughter is still in a crib; we haven’t moved to a toddler bed yet. She just started to climb out of her crib at 22 months, so we started placing her in a sleep sack (zipped backwards) to keep her in bed. Some family's may prefer a floor bed.

• Breastfeeding technique: If I'm nursing her, I do so while she stands or sits, rather than in my arms, so she can choose when she is done and lies herself down.

• Emotional reassurance: Sometimes she cries briefly to be put in her crib and to see me walk away, but this lasts less than a minute. I always return if cries for longer than minute (or less than that if she seems truly upset).

Trust Your Instincts

Sleep Training Isn’t the Only Way

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to baby sleep. But if your instincts are telling you to respond to your baby’s cries, that’s not wrong. It might be exactly what your child needs.

Let’s Normalize Responsive Parenting

We need to stop treating sleep training as the only “correct” way. Responsive parenting doesn’t mean chaos or constant exhaustion—it can mean calm, connection, and yes, sleep for the whole family.

In a future episode and blog post, I’ll walk through practical ways to help your baby sleep better while respecting their development and your instincts.

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